Every so often, at hard milestones, I write lists of things I’ve learned:
~This one starts now~
1. You don’t want to keep running in circles.
“Because the year is a distance we’ve traveled in circles” — Ocean Vuong.
Ruminating on the past is a common human tendency we need to break free from.
Another way of saying this is as follows:
Lessons in life will be repeated until they are learned — Frank Sonnenberg
So, learn them.
2. Social connections don’t just appear out of thin air.
I have a theory that people nowadays are lonelier than they let on.
So much so that I decided to write a longer article about it which will come in due course.
The key takeaway, I already know, will be that you have to work on developing connections.
I ‘perked up’ last year when Robert Waldinger’s study said that isolation is worse for you than smoking and that good connections would help you live longer.
From time to time, a Friday night on the tiles may be better for you than a solitary night indoors reading The Gulag Archipelago.
3. Childhood is only a cage that widens— Ocean Vuong
4. It’s pain either way.
One learning I included in a previous list was Jordan Peterson’s assertion that ‘life is suffering’.
This year, I discovered an even better framing from legendary NFL coach Bill Belichick:
You experience the pain of preparation or the pain of failure. It’s pain either way. You have to decide if you want pain at the beginning or pain at the end.
I’d take the pain at the beginning all day long because it’s usually chosen suffering.
It’s the getting up early, it’s daily grind, repetition and routine. It’s the healthy habits, the long-term investment, the delaying of gratification.
Pain at the end is the cost of inaction, and usually, you don’t get to choose it’s form.
That kind of pain could cripple you.
5. ‘Perhaps with families, they had more to live for’.
From the best book I read this year:
“These slightly older men in their thirties and forties seemed to survive in much greater numbers. Surprisingly it was the young men who died first on the railway. Perhaps the older ones were stronger emotionally. Perhaps with families, they had more to live for.”
― Alistair Urquhart, The Forgotten Highlander: An Incredible WWII Story of Survival in the Pacific
6. And from the second-best book I read this year:
Self-esteem is confidence in the efficacy of our mind, in our ability to think — Nathaniel Branden
It never occurred to me before that self-esteem could be tied to our intellect.
7. Agency.
8. The 24-Hour-You.
“What would you tomorrow want you today to do?”
9. Run clubs are the real deal.
They stack good habits on top of one another; exercise and social connection. It isn’t easy to match the intensity of group exercise by yourself.
Run clubs seem to be the most obvious solution to the modern malaise of social media, disconnection, and lack of agency.
And usually, they’re free.
10. Everybody is identical in their secret unspoken belief that way deep down they are different from everyone else— David Foster Wallace
11. Identity lags reality by 1-2 years.
If you’ve lost a ton of weight, or become single after a long relationship, or won a huge contract to play professional sport, or had amazing business success then you might resonate with this.
The person the world sees you as, and the person you see yourself as have become very different.
Your fears and doubts and inclinations have not changed much, and yet the individual that everyone else expects to turn up is this new version of you.
It will take time for your inner world to catch up to the outer one.
— Mark Manson
This one has been fluting around my mind for the past year or so.
It’s like being aware that your opinion of a situation isn’t fully formed yet while you are still in the thick of it.
And that takes away a lot of pressure.
12. People just being themselves is the ultimate in personal development— Rick Rubin
13. ‘It was Jurgen’s open-mindedness’.
I’ve said before that Jurgen Klopp is the only leader you need to study. And anecdotes continue to seep out of Anfield since his departure.
For the last ten years ago, Liverpool have been very successful and smart in their recruitment.
When reflecting on Liverpool’s transfer prowess, Ian Graham, director of research, said there was no real difference in their transfer strategy during the times of Brendan Rodgers and Jurgen Klopp, with both being very data-driven.
It wasn’t always apparent to the casual observer that one player is better than another. But the data doesn't lie.
However, Brendan Rodgers often didn't agree with Michael Edwards on a player’s suitability for the club, and so they often ended up buying their ‘fifth or sixth choice’.
When Klopp arrived, this changed. And Graham said ‘it was Jurgen’s open-mindedness’.
Open-mindedness isn’t the first thing one thinks about when it comes to leadership.
But we saw it time and time again under Klopp. From his focus on the minute details, one time even hiring a ‘throw-in coach’.
Klopp repeatedly said that he doesn't have all the answers and his role was often about allowing others to grow alongside him. One way of doing this was to be open-minded.
14. He who jumps into the void owes no explanation to those who stand and watch— Jean-Luc Godard
15. Theory of mind
If empathy is walking in another’s shoes, theory of mind is understanding how another person thinks.
Of course, it’s impossible to know for sure, but developing this skill can improve one’s ability to relate to others, to persuade, and to connect.
16. Winging it.
One thing that took longer than it should to realise is that everyone is winging it. I used to think everyone that sounded competent actually was.
It’s idiots all the way up.
17. Confidence is more a state of being than a personality trait.
I learned and experienced this before I came across this quote. The key word here is ‘being’.
Dan Koe said something like this: ‘The moment you notice yourself being confident, is the moment you stop being so’.
This tells us that confidence isn't necessarily something you should be thinking of in the moment.
I once heard a very experienced therapist ask a patient, ‘Why don’t you just be confident?’
In this way, faking it till you make it is useful.
But more importantly, it’s about having an ‘undeniable stack of evidence that you are who you say you are’.
This means lying to yourself is no good.
It also means that you have to repeat things you find difficult. Common sense in a way, but confidence, to many people is perceived to be something rigid, like a personality.
There is serious liberation in learning that this is not the case.
18. Create your own Mount Rushmore
This isn’t to take away from real people in your life who give you advice. It’s absolutely vital to have that too.
Rather, this is a supplement. But maybe, just maybe, the ‘famous and successful’, people you look up to can give your invaluable advice or guidance.
You can never take the whole package, but you can cherry-pick the traits you envisage for yourself.
Here’s a snapshot of mine:
Anthony Bourdain — for his adventurous, risk-taking spirit but most importantly, his curiosity; the trait second only to agency in my mind.
Joan Didion — the writing you never knew you needed. And the motivation for me to keep slinging ink.
Chris Williamson — the desire to improve, the never-ending process of personal growth. His tour was called ‘Self-Discovery’, an endlessly fascinating science. Especially if you are as self-absorbed as me, which you are.
Jurgen Klopp — a leadership kingpin. I could never hope to have his charisma, but his methods of dealing with people? Anyone can implement.
There are many, many more at various times, but these four have been fixed for some time.
19. Discernment — the human quality.
Billy Oppenheimer said that the trait that will ‘save’ writers from the advance of AI is something called discernment.
Learning who to take advice from is one thing. To then take it and reflect by yourself is another.
True, AI might one day be able to do this, but I dread to think of the nullifying affect it would have on life.
20. Travel.
I mentioned Bourdain’s admirable curiosity earlier. This manifested, outside his writing, in travel:
“If I’m an advocate for anything, it’s to move. As far as you can, as much as you can. Across the ocean, or simply across the river. The extent to which you can walk in someone else’s shoes or at least eat their food, it’s a plus for everybody. Open your mind, get up off the couch, move.”
I was sceptical about the idea of packing up and moving somewhere for months or even years.
The cynic in me thought it was falling for the ‘faraway hills are greener’ mindset; that people are running from themselves only to find they still have to confront their problems regardless of where they are physically.
I thought this even though I’d moved abroad myself.
But now, I realise that unfamiliarity, change, and doubt all draw things out of you that you wouldn’t otherwise know was in you.
It makes you have to move with discomfort at times, and above all, really does change your mind about things, ideas, beliefs, and stereotypes you once thought were rigid and absolute.
“Travel is about the gorgeous feeling of teetering in the unknown.”
21. Some rain is good.
I’m thinking of how, earlier this summer, The National took over Crystal Palace Park and sang:
You must be somewhere in London
You must be loving your life in the rain
And then it rained for real.
If there’s one thing rain is good for, it’s pulling you into the moment.
That’s why running in the rain can make you feel alive.
22. Neuroplasticity: the game-changer.
“Negative self-talk, and the way it wires the brain in a negative way, creates the difference between people who find success and happiness in life, and people who do not.”
― Shad Helmstetter, The Power of Neuroplasticity
This remains one of the coolest, most hope-inspiring things I’ve ever learned.
23. Don’t interrupt.
At work, I sometimes double as a family co-therapist and the name of the game is to constantly interrupt if a family are belittling each other.
But this isn’t desirable in almost every other situation. Especially in day to day interactions with other people.
People, including me, have a tendency not to properly listen but to jump in with the next thing they have ready in their minds.
This is, in essence, about truly ‘being there’ in a conversation.
24. You’ve already achieved goals you said would make you happy.
This is about two things that almost everyone can say. It only takes me a brief flick through last year's journals to see that this is true regarding big and small goals.
The first, is the need for gratitude and appreciation.
I said to myself I’d be happy when I get back to a 9–5 working schedule. Tick. Rewind further, I definitely said I’d be happy when I changed careers to what I’m doing now.
But I also said I’d be happy with small things like buying a certain pair of runners (for the run club, obviously).
The second is that in recognising you have achieved the goals you said would make you happy you’re also reminding yourself that you can achieve what you put your mind to.
And you don’t get more high-quality spurts of dopamine than that.
25. People die a thousand times to get to who they are — Zach Bryan
26. What God is and isn’t.
I wouldn’t dare to claim to know the answer to this but, as many of the podcasts I listened to over the last year seem to chime back against the establishment by promoting the virtues of faith, it might be worthwhile to a least consider what it is and isn’t.
It definitely isn't organised religion. But, since they can pick and choose what rules to implement, so can we.
It’s definitely worth being something positive.
I read an article entitled ‘You won’t find God in fluorescent lights’ a couple of weeks ago.
It was by somebody writing an article about office work and it reminded me of my past. You know the drill; bright lights, straitjacket suits, no movement, soulless environments… but decent pay.
Sometimes, experiences outside the easy, expected path can fill your cup in a way like no other.
Craig Finn has a line ‘I saw God in the buildings’ in reference to Chicago’s famed architecture. To him, God is something awe-inspiring. Something perfect.
If God is perfection, why not let it be who you could be.
It’s the unattainable pursuit of perfection, one doomed to fail but which can drive us forwards nonetheless.
27. The truth will set you free, the truth is the adventure of your life.
The sheer amount of stress you leave behind when you start to tell the truth to yourself and others is a hack people should talk about more.
28. Staving off the guilt trip.
This quote isn’t the most glamorous or verbally intoxicating in the way of Vuong, but it’s one that from the first time I heard it in 2018, has remained in the back of my mind.
Knowing and not doing is the same as not knowing — Brian Keane
It’s valuable because you can devour books, lessons, podcasts, and learnings until the cows come home but if they aren’t actioned it’s all been a waste of time.
That’s why if I learn something good, I try to make sure it does good, and that it’s something I can actually incorporate, that I actually will incorporate.
29. You’re going to get there anyway, so why worry?
During the year, I heard Chris Williamson say this on his podcast:
The results you get in life are going to come anyway. Your fears and neuroses about them are doing little other than making your journey toward achieving them more miserable.
I noticed this with the book.
I wanted it done right away just to be able to tell myself I had finally achieved the goal of writing a book.
But realistically, I was doing all the right things to achieve it anyway:
Mornings in Starbucks writing.
Mornings in Starbucks editing.
For two years straight.
The next time I’ll try and enjoy the process more because I have the evidence the result will arrive eventually.
30. A positive indicator.
The “cringe” you feel when you look back at your old output, mindsets, beliefs, behaviors, and actions is a positive indicator.
It means you’ve learned, changed, developed, and grown.
At the moment, I cringe about the poetry book I started writing two years ago.
So I’ll force it down your throat instead.
Cringe works the other way too, it could be a sign of where you need to go.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0DCGPZXQK?ref_=pe_93986420_774957520